Written by Harold Kimmel. Directed by Steve Zuckerman
A WITT/THOMAS/HARRIS PRODUCTION
Oringial Air Date:
December 15, 1990
Cast: Richard Mulligan, Kristy McNichol, Dinah Manoff, David Leisure, Park Overall, Timothy Carhart as Billy, Aaron Lustig as Officer Hitner, Ben Ryan Ganger as Jimmy, Robert Gould as Customer, Jay Goldenberg as Attendant
INT. HARRY’S KITCHEN – MORNING
(Harry, Barbara, Carol, Charley, Dreyfuss)
(BARBARA AND HARRY ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE. HARRY IS DRINKING COFFEE AND READING THE PAPER. CAROL CROSSES DOWN WITH COFFEE. DREYFUSS’ REAR END ENTERS THROUGH THE DOG DOOR. THE WESTONS REACT.
HARRY: Dreyfuss, we’ve been over this. It’s head first.
(DREYFUSS’ REAR END DISAPPEARS BACK OUTSIDE.)
BARBARA: (RESIGNED) I’ll let him in.
HARRY: A hundred bucks I blew on that doggie door.
(BARBARA CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND LETS DREYFUSS IN. SHE NOTICES SOMETHING OUTSIDE.)
BARBARA: (LOOKING OUTSIDE) Hey, cute guy moving in across the street.
CAROL: Really? (CROSSES OVER, LOOKS OUT) Oh, my God. He’s an Adonis. Daddy, do you know anything about our new neighbor?
HARRY: Nope, not a thing.
(HARRY CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN COUNTER)
BARBARA: Wow, he really is gorgeous.
(CHARLEY ENTERS THROUGH LIVING ROOM DOOR)
CHARLEY: What are you talking about?
CAROL: The weather. Gorgeous weather.
CHARLEY: Oh. I thought you were talking about that guy who moved in across the street. Whew, what a looker.
(CHARLEY TAKES A SEAT AT THE TABLE.)
CAROL: What do you know about him?
CHARLEY: Well, it’s hard to think on an empty stomach.
CAROL: So eat something.
CHARLEY: I’m tired of self-serve. I want table service.
(BARBARA SERVES HIM PANCAKES.)
CHARLEY (CONT’D): Nuh-uh-uh-uh. I want Big Red slingin’ my hash. It’s always the old sassy ones that give you the best service.
(CAROL SLAMS THE PLATE OF PANCAKES DOWN IN FRONT OF CHARLEY.)
CHARLEY: Okay. I spoke to him this morning. His name’s Billy. He’s single, and he works with the space program at NASA.
CAROL: Ooh. An astronaut. I’ll bet he’s smart.
BARBARA: He looks strong. I think he’s athletic.
CAROL: Barbara, dear, I think he’s more suited to me.
BARBARA: Maybe you’re right. There’s no sound in space. He couldn’t hear you whine.
CHARLEY: Whoa. Both sisters after the same guy. Now, you’re gonna have to be fair about this. Carol’s going to need some kind of head start. (TO CAROL:) I know. Why don’t you shoot Barbara?
HARRY: Goodbye, Charley.
CHARLEY: Where you going?
HARRY: I’m not going anywhere.
CHARLEY: (DOESN’T UNDERSTAND) Yeah, but, you said…(REALIZING) Ohhh.
CAROL: Daddy, I’ll make sure Charley goes back to his house.
BARBARA: Yeah, and I’ll make sure Carol gets back home.
(THE GIRLS START FOR THE DOOR.)
HARRY: Whup, whup. Hold it, girls. One thing I’ve always admired about you is that you’ve never let a man come between you. A million other things, yes. But never a man.
BARBARA: Daddy, don’t worry. We’re not going to fight over him.
CAROL: Silly Daddy. Go to work.
HARRY: All right, but you be good.
CAROL: We will.
CAROL (CONT’D): Marquis of Queensberry rules?
BARBARA: No holding. No rabbit punches. Protect yourself at all times, and come out flirting.
CAROL: Good luck.
(AS BARBARA AND CAROL SHAKE, WE:)
INT. NURSES’ STATION – LATER THAT MORNING
(LAVERNE IS AT HER DESK MAKING OUT A LIST AS HARRY ENTERS)
HARRY: Good morning, Laverne. How are you
(LAVERNE SILENCES HARRY WITH HER HAND)
LAVERNE (WRITING ON LIST): …One lipstick –Passionate Pink. One Ticonderoga pencil – number two…
HARRY: Glad to hear it. I’m feeling pretty good myself. Thanks.
LAVERNE (WRITING ON LIST): One rabbit’s foot – lucky.’
HARRY: Laverne what’s going on here?
LAVERNE: I lost my purse. I’m making a list of the contents.
HARRY: Oh, I’m sorry. When was the last time you saw it?
LAVERNE: I guess when that guy was running away with it in the parking garage.
HARRY: Laverne, somebody mugged you? Are you okay? What did the police say?
LAVERNE: It wouldn’t make no sense to call them before I’ve compiled this list of the contents of my purse. I shouldn’t have to do this. I already had a complete list, but foolishly, I kept it in my purse.
HARRY: Laverne, forget the list. I want to hear about this mugging. Where did it happen?
LAVERNE: In the parking lot at the shopping center.
HARRY: Did you get a look at him?
LAVERNE: Couldn’t. It was too dark.
HARRY: What were you doing in a dark parking lot?
LAVERNE: Well, it was night and I was looking for a place to put my car. I’d have to say parking. (BACK TO LIST.) ‘One photo of Merle Haggard – inscription: Keep on strummin’. Love, Merle. TURNS TO HARRY) We jammed one night.
HARRY: Laverne, if we could just focus on the mugging. What did Nick say when you told him?
LAVERNE: I don’t wanna bother him with this petty problem. His baseball team’s on a road trip, and he’s got more important things to worry about, like how come the manager never lets him play.
HARRY: Laverne, maybe you should take the rest of the day off.
LAVERNE: Doctor, would you stop making such a big deal about this.
HARRY: Fine. But I want you to know I’m here if you want to talk about it.
LAVERNE: I’ll keep that in mind.
HARRY: You sure there aren’t some feelings you want to get out?
LAVERNE: Well, now that you mention it, I do have this terrible sense of violation, as if some outside force is bearin’ down on me…bearin’ down on me.
HARRY: Oh, poor Laverne. That’s natural.
LAVERNE: I’m talkin’ about you. Would you leave me alone?
(AS HARRY REACTS, WE:)
INT. HARRY’S LIVING ROOM / EXT. PORCH / INT. KITCHEN – SAME DAY
(Carol, Barbara, Billy, Dreyfuss)
(CAROL ENTERS WEARING AN EXTREMELY FEMININE SUMMER FROCK, SHE CROSSES TO THE FRONT DOOR AND PEEKS OUT THE WINDOW.)
CAROL (AS SHE CROSSES TO DREYFUSS): Well Dreyfuss, what do you think? Our NASA neighbor’s still working on the lawn. Good. (PRIMPING) If he’s got any testosterone, he’s mine.
(BARBARA ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS. SHE IS WEARING SNUG WORKOUT SHORTS AND A SKIMPY TOP.)
CAROL (CONT’D): Barabara, what are you doing home from work?
BARBARA: Nice weather. Thought I’d get out on the porch and exercise before the sun goes down. What about you?
CAROL: Thought I’d take advantage of the weather, too. Put on this ol’ thing and sit out on the porch.
(CAROL LEISURELY STARTS FOR THE FRONT DOOR.)
CAROL (CONT’D): You know, relax.
BARBARA (STARTING FOR FRONT DOOR, TOO): Yeah, that’s what I was gonna do. Relax.
(CAROL MAKES A DASH FOR THE DOOR. THEN BARBARA DOES. THE TWO FIND THEMSELVES IN THE DOOR FRAME, FIGHTING TO GET OUT FIRST.)
CAROL: Get out of my way.
BARBARA: You get out of my way.
CAROL: Barbara, this is ridiculous. You’re acting like the Three Stooges.
BARBARA: Am not.
(BARBARA, A LA MOE OF THE THREE STOOGES, DOES THE TWO-FINGER EYE POKE TO CAROL, WHO REACTS. THE GIRLS PUSH AND SHOVE, FINALLY MAKING THEIR WAY OUT THE DOOR.)
EXT. PORCH – CONTINUOUS
CAROL (OFF GUY): He is good looking.
BARBARA: I’ll say.
CAROL (WAVING DEMURELY): Yoo-hoo, neighbor!
(THERE IS CLEARLY NO RESPONSE.)
BARBARA: Why don’t you just pull your dress up over your head?
CAROL (CONSIDERING, THEN): Let’s give the ‘yoo-hoo’ a chance, shall we? (A BEAT) Okay, that’s long enough.
BARBARA: Carol, you’re not –
CAROL: No, silly.
(CAROL PRODUCES FAN, SNAPS IT OPEN AND STARTS FANNING HERSELF FLIRTATIOUSLY. IN RESPONSE, BARBARA BEGINS DOING CALISTHENICS.)
CAROL (CONT’D): Barbara, calisthenics are no fair.
BARBARA (NOT STOPPING): Says who?
CAROL: Oh, I see. We’re pulling out all the stops. In that case…
(CAROL TAKES A HANKY, SITS ON STOOP, AND STARTS TO SOB, MOPPING HER EYES AS SHE DOES.)
BARBARA: Oh, no. Not the crying thing. (BARBARA DOES BUTT EXERCISES) Is he looking?
CAROL: No. I don’t get it. Doesn’t this guy have any protective instincts? My bosom is heaving enough, isn’t it?
(BARBARA NODS. DREYFUSS ENTERS AND CROSSES TO BARBARA.)
BARBARA (RE: BILLY) Hey, here he comes.
CAROL: He’s coming to me.
BARBARA: No, he’s not. He’s coming to me.
CAROL: I swear he’s coming to me.
(BILLY, THE GUY FROM ACROSS THE STREET, CROSSES TO DREYFUSS. HE KNEELS DOWN AND PETS DREYFUSS.)
BILLY (TO DREYFUSS): Hi, fella. Couldn’t help notice you over here. I’m Billy. What’s your name?
CAROL: His name is Dreyfuss. I’m Carol.
BARBARA: I’m Barbara.
BILLY (FOCUSED ON DREYFUSS): Great dog. Really nice coat.
CAROL (IN DESPERATE ATTEMPT): I just had my hair done.
(BARBARA ROLLS HER EYES.)
BILLY (TO BARBARA): How long have you had him?
BARBARA: Five years.
BILLY: I love this dog.
BARBARA: I’m going to take him to the park later.
BILLY: That sounds like fun.
(BARBARA SHOOTS CAROL A LOOK. CAROL, FRUSTRATED, THINKS, THEN RUNS INTO THE HOUSE.)
BILLY (CONT’D) (TO DREYFUSS): You’re a good boy. (TO BARBARA) What breed is he?
BARBARA: Well, he’s part St. Bernard, part Golden Retriever. His mother was…
INT. HARRY’S KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
(CAROL QUICKLY OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR, GETS A SLICE OF LIVERWURST, AND RUNS FOR THE LIVING ROOM.)
EXT. HARRY’S PORCH – CONTINUOUS
(DREYFUSS DASHES INTO THE HOUSE)
BILLY (FOLLOWING AFTER DREYFUSS): Where you going? (TO BARBARA) Boy, he’s in a hurry.
(BILLY EXITS INTO LIVING ROOM. BARBARA FOLLOWS.)
INT. HARRY’S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS
(CAROL IS POSED DEMURELY ON THE COUCH, PATTING DREYFUSS.)
CAROL (TO BILLY): Oh, Billy, you startled me. I don’t know what it is about Dreyfuss. He hates Barbara. Adores me. Funny the way animals can sense when someone’s warm and loving. (DREYFUSS NUZZLES CAROL. UNDER HER BREATH TO DREYFUSS:) Scram, Fido. I’m working here.
CAROL (CONT’D) (TO BILLY): So, how do you like the neighborhood?
BILLY: Haven’t had a chance to see much of it yet.
CAROL: Well, if you’d ever like someone to show you around…
BILLY: That would be great.
CAROL: How’s tomorrow?
BILLY: I’ll pick you up at six. We can grab something to eat first. Okay?
CAROL: All right.
(HE STARTS OUT.)
BILLY: See you.
CAROL: Bye-bye, Billy.
(HE’S GONE. DREYFUSS RE-ENTERS DURING THE FOLLOWING.)
CAROL (CONT’D): Well, Barbara, I guess for once in our lives, a man preferred me over you. I don’t mean to flaunt it, but…Hah!
BARBARA (SNIFFING AROUND): Do you smell something?
CAROL (HIDES HAND BEHIND BACK): No.
(DREYFUSS STARTS LICKING CAROL’S CLOSED HAND. BARBARA OPENS IT.)
BARBARA: Liverwurst! So that’s how you got Dreyfuss in here. What a dirty trick, Carol.
CAROL: All’s fair, Barbie-Barb.
BARBARA: Oh, yeah?
(BARBARA DOES THE TWO-FINGER POKE, FOLLOWED BY THE ‘NYAH-NYAH’ THREE STOOGES GESTURE. ON CAROL’S REACTION, WE:)
INT. NURSES’ STATION – LATER THAT DAY
(Harry, Officer Hitner, Laverne, Extra)
(LAVERNE IS AT HER DESK. HARRY ENTERS FROM EXAM ROOM WITH A PATIENT, WHO EXITS.)
HARRY: Bye, dear.
(A POLICEMAN, OFFICER HITNER, ENTERS.)
OFFICER HITNER: Dr. Weston?
OFFICER HITNER: I’m Officer Hitner, Miami P.D.
HARRY: Nice to meet you. Laverne, I asked Barbara to send someone over to take your report.
LAVERNE: I was gonna get around to that as soon as I finished my list. That reminds me. (BACK TO LIST) One loose Chicklet – Orange.
OFFICER HITNER: Mrs. Todd, if I could just get some information from you.
LAVERNE (RE: HARRY): With him here? Okay, if I have to.
OFFICER HITNER (TO LAVERNE, PEN POISED): Full name?
LAVERNE (SOTTO, TO OFFICER HITNER): Laverne. Laverne Todd.
HARRY: What are you whispering for?
LAVERNE: Do you have to know everything about me?
HARRY: Laverne, I already know your name.
LAVERNE: And, of course, now you’ll go blabbin’ it around.
LAVERNE: See. I knew it.
OFFICER HITNER: Occupation?
LAVERNE (SOTTO, TO OFFICER HITNER): I’m a nurse.
HARRY: Don’t you think I know you’re a nurse?
LAVERNE: Your inquisitive mind might have been leanin’ you in that direction. But you’ve never had the cold, hard facts until now. Damn!
HARRY: Okay. This is officially insane.
OFFICER HITNER: Tell you what, Mrs. Todd. Why don’t you just describe what happened to you last night.
LAVERNE: A man took my purse.
OFFICER HITNER: And?…
OFFICER HITNER: Yes?…
OFFICER HITNER: Anything else?…
LAVERNE: From me. I can keep this up as long as you can.
HARRY: Sorry, Officer. This crime has upset her. She’s usually not this difficult…(REALIZING) Actually, she is.
OFFICER HITNER: Let’s focus on this assailant. How tall would you say he was?
LAVERNE: Hard to say ’cause he was standing behind me with his arm around my neck. Like this.
(DEMONSTRATES A CHOKING-TYPE HOLD.)
OFFICER HITNER: So, you didn’t get a look at him.
LAVERNE: I tried, but he said if I turned around, he’d blow my brains out.
HARRY: Laverne, you never said this guy had a gun.
LAVERNE: I never let you know I was a nurse until a few minutes ago.
OFFICER HITNER: Did you get a look at the weapon?
LAVERNE: No, I’m sorry.
OFFICER HITNER: That’s all right.
LAVERNE: But, judging by the feel of the barrel on my temple, I’m guessing it was a nine-millimeter, semi-automatic, clip-feed Beretta.
OFFICER HITNER: Is there anything else you could tell me?
LAVERNE: Did I mention that when he took my purse and ran away it was ‘from me’?
OFFICER HITNER: Yes ma’am.
LAVERNE: Then you got it all. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got work to do.
(SHE EXITS INTO EXAM ROOM.)
OFFICER HITNER: That’s quite a tough lady you’ve got working for you.
HARRY: Yeah, that’s Laverne. Hard as nails. Thanks for coming by. I appreciate it.
(HARRY INDICATES THE WAITING ROOM AND EXITS INTO HIS OFFICE. A BEAT, AND LAVERNE ENTERS FROM THE EXAM ROOM CARRYING A TRAY WITH MEDICAL PARAPHERNALIA. AS SHE CROSSES INTO THE NURSES’ STATION SHE IS VISIBLY SHAKING.)
END OF ACT ONE
INT. NURSES’ STATION – NEXT MORNING
(Harry, Laverne (Voice Over), Jimmy, Mrs. Wasserman)
(LAVERNE IS NOT THERE. THERE IS A SPEAKER BOX ON HER DESK. HARRY ENTERS, CROSSES TO THE COAT RACK AND BEGINS TO PUT HIS LAB JACKET ON.)
HARRY (NOT NOTICING LAVERNE ISN’T THERE): Good morning, Laverne.
LAVERNE (V.O.): Good mornin’, Doctor.
HARRY: How are you this morning?
LAVERNE (V.O.): Fine. Coffee’s ready.
HARRY: Thank you very much. (THEN, LOOKING AROUND) Laverne?
LAVERNE (V.O.): Uh-huh.
HARRY: Where are you, dear?
LAVERNE (V.O.): Over here.
LAVERNE (V.O.): On the desk. Now, stomach in, chest out. We have a busy day ahead of us.
HARRY (CROSSING TO SPEAKER BOX): Where are you?
LAVERNE (V.O.): I’m at home. I had Otto the janitor set up this speaker box.
LAVERNE (V.O.): Oh, I don’t know. I just thought I’d try runnin’ the office a little differently. You know, more of a hands off approach.
HARRY (PICKING UP BOX): This is ridiculous. I can’t talk to a box all day.
LAVERNE (V.O.) (REPREMANDING): Put me down this instant. I will not have myself picked up and shaken around like that.
HARRY (TO BOX): Sorry. (PUTS BOX DOWN) Laverne, does this have anything to do with the mugging?
LAVERNE (V.O.): Mugging? What mugging? Oh, you mean that thing where the guy came up behind me, choked me, put a nine-millimeter, semi-automatic, clip-feed Beretta to my head, stole my purse and ran away? That�s all but forgotten.
HARRY: Laverne, you’re scared. And I can understand that. But staying home is not the answer. And you certainly can’t run the office this way.
(MRS. WASSERMAN AND SIX-YEAR-OLD JIMMY ENTER)
LAVERNE (V.O.): Oh, hello, Mrs. Wasserman. Don’t you look lovely today.
(MRS. WASSERMAN LOOKS AROUND, CONFUSED.)
LAVERNE (V.O.) (CONT’D): Have a seat in the waiting room. Jimmy, you go into exam room one. Doctor will be right with you.
JIMMY: Okay, Nurse Todd.
(MRS. WASSERMAN AND JIMMY DO SO.)
HARRY: Laverne, how did you do that?
LAVERNE (V.O.): Mrs. Wasserman has a nine o’clock appointment, but she’s always five minutes early. I winged the ‘you look lovely’ part. (SUDDENLY PLAYFUL.) I know, let’s play with her mind. Tell me what color her shoes are.
HARRY: Laverne, we can’t work like this. Please hang up, and let’s talk about this later.
LAVERNE (V.O.): Okay, fine. (THEN) Duck!
(A NERF BALL HITS HARRY IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD.)
LAVERNE (V.O.): Little Jimmy always does that when you keep him waiting.
(ON HARRY’S REACTION, WE:)
INT. HARRY’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
(Carol, Barbara, Billy)
(BARBARA IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, READING THE NEWSPAPER. CAROL ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS. SHE IS ALL DRESSED UP.)
CAROL (OVERLY SYMPATHETIC): Hi, Barbara. How you feeling?
BARBARA: Fine. Why?
CAROL: Well, tonight is my date with Billy. And Barbara, I want you to know, just because he chose me over you, doesn’t mean I’m more attractive or desirable or have some deep, rich, womanly quality that will be forever unattainable to you.
CAROL: Oh, Barbara. Dear, sweet, brave, rejected Barbara.
BARBARA: Carol, quit. You won. I’m happy for you. I hope it works out.
SFX: DOORBELL RINGS
CAROL: Ooh, that’s my date! (CROSSING TO DOOR) My date, my date, my date…
(SHE OPENS THE DOOR. BILLY ENTERS.)
BILLY: Hi, Carol.
CAROL: Hi, hi.
BILLY: Hello, Barbara.
BARBARA (READING NEWSPAPER): Hi.
BILLY (TO CAROL): Lovely night. You can see all the stars.
CAROL (PLAYFULLY): One heavenly body at a time!
(SHE PATS HIM ON THE SHOULDER AND GIGGLES. BARBARA WANTS TO GAG REAL BAD.)
CAROL (CONT’D): So, Billy, you must be lonely in that house of yours – no one to share it with.
BILLY: No. I live there with my uncle.
CAROL: That’s nice. Someone to watch over the place while you spend those long hours at Cape Canaveral. It must be very exciting being an astronaut.
BILLY: Oh, I’m not an astronaut.
CAROL: You’re not?
BILLY: No. Ground crew.
CAROL: Well, that could be exciting, too. ‘Mission control, mission control.’
BILLY: Actually, I’m the guy who keeps mission control running smoothly. I’m the janitor.
(LOOKS TO BARBARA.)
BILLY: But I’m doing some work on the side with distant planets. You know, interstellar communication.
CAROL: Oh. Well, I’m not surprised. I knew there was something special about you.
BILLY: In fact, I recently made contact with a friendly little colony on Venus.
BILLY: If you’d like, I could try to reach them now.
(BILLY PRODUCES A TIN FOIL CAP FROM HIS POCKET AND PUTS IT ON.)
CAROL: Billy, I don’t recall seeing you in that cap before.
BILLY: Heck, if I wore it all day, the little green fellas would talk my ear off.
(HE MAKES HIS HAND INTO A PHONE, EXTENDING HIS PINKIE AND THUMB AS BOTH ENDS OF THE RECEIVER. THEN, INTO HAND:)
BILLY (CONT’D): Yabaldeeble-dop… Yabaldeeble-dop…
CAROL (SOTTO:)Barbara, help me.
BARBARA: Why? He’s perfect for you.
BILLY (INTO PHONE; THE EQUIVALENT OF ‘GOODBYE’): Boodle-lip. (THEN WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT) So, Carol, what do you feel like for dinner?
BILLY: Yeah. I hear there’s a really nice burger place in the crater of Alpha Two.
BARBARA (SOTTO, TO CAROL): You should offer to pay for half the fuel. Otherwise, he’ll expect you to put out.
BILLY (OFFERING CAROL HIS TIN FOIL CAP): Put it on.
CAROL: Oh, I don’t know about the cap.
BILLY: It’s the only way you’ll be able to talk to them.
CAROL: Look, Billy, I don’t think this evening is such a great idea.
BILLY: They told me they find you very attractive.
CAROL (IMMEDIATELY ADJUSTING CAP): Like this?
(HE ADJUSTS THE CAP, AND THEY START TO EXIT)
BARBARA: Don’t drive faster than the speed of light.
BILLY: I can’t promise that.
(AS THEY EXIT)
INT. LAVERNE’S HOUSE – NIGHT
(LAVERNE IS ON THE COUCH FLIPPING THROUGH A MAGAZINE. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. LAVERNE CROSSES TO DOOR, BUT DOESN�T OPEN IT.)
LAVERNE: Who’s there?
HARRY (O.C.): Harry.
LAVERNE: Harry, who?
HARRY (O.C.): Harry Weston.
LAVERNE: Doctor Harry Weston?
HARRY (O.C.): Yes, Doctor Harry Weston!
LAVERNE: Well, I just told you the doctor part.
HARRY (O.C.): Would you open the door, Laverne?
(SHE OPENS SEVERAL LOCKS, THEN OPENS THE DOOR. HARRY ENTERS.)
HARRY (CONT’D): Hello, Laverne.
LAVERNE (LOCKING DOOR): Good to see you, Doctor.
HARRY: You, too, Laverne. Nick back yet?
LAVERNE: Still on the road with the ball club.
HARRY: Laverne, I’m worried about you. You haven’t been the same since the other night. Look, why don’t you take a couple of days off? You’ve just had a very traumatic experience.
LAVERNE: I wish you’d quit blowin’ this thing out of proportion.
HARRY: Laverne, a man held a gun to your head. You could’ve been killed.
LAVERNE: Will you stop worrying about that?
(A SHORT AND UNCOMFORTABLE BEAT OF SILENCE, THEN, CHANGING THE SUBJECT:)
LAVERNE (CONT’D): Oh, look at me. Where are my manners? You sit right down and I’ll get you something to drink. I’ve got some soda, I’ve got lemonade…
HARRY: Laverne, it’s okay. I’m fine.
LAVERNE (CONTINUING): I’ve got coffee, I’ve got tea, I’ve got punch…
(SHE BREAKS DOWN SOBBING. HARRY PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND HER AND COMFORTS HER)
HARRY: It’s okay, Laverne. Everything’s going to be okay.
(AFTER A BEAT:)
LAVERNE: You’re touching me. (HARRY INSTANTLY LETS GO.) Thank you. I’m sorry, Doctor. I don’t know what came over me, but here it comes again. (SHE BREAKS DOWN. HARRY HOLDS HER AGAIN.) You’re touching me.
(HARRY INSTANTLY LETS GO.)
LAVERNE (CONT’D): Well, I need something.
(HARRY THINKS FOR A BEAT, THEN, FROM ARMS LENGTH, PUTS ONE HAND LIGHTLY ON HER SHOULDER.)
LAVERNE (CONT’D) (SINCERELY): Ooh, that’s soothing.
HARRY: You’ll see, Laverne. Everything will be okay in time. Come on, let’s go get something to eat.
LAVERNE: Gee, I’d love to Doctor, but there’s one problem with that.
LAVERNE: Near as I can figure, it would require me leavin’ this house.
HARRY: You’re going to have to leave eventually. It might as well be now.
LAVERNE: I don’t know.
HARRY: Trust me. I’ve invested too much in one of the most difficult relationships known to man to let anything bad happen to you.
LAVERNE: Okay, I’ll try.
(SUMMONING ALL HER COURAGE, SHE TAKES A FEW TENTATIVE STEPS TOWARDS THE DOOR, THEN:)
LAVERNE (CONT’D): I may need some emotional support.
(HARRY PUTS HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER AND, AT ARMS LENGTH, THE TWO OF THEM START TO EXIT IN THIS UNUSUAL MANNER, AS WE:)
INT. 24-HOUR DONUT SHOP – NIGHT, SHORT TIME LATER
(Harry, Laverne, Customer, Attendant, Extras)
(LAVERNE ENTERS. A SECOND LATER, WE SEE THAT HARRY’S HAND IS STILL ATTACHED TO LAVERNE’S SHOULDER. THEY ARE NOW BOTH INSIDE.)
HARRY: Okay, Laverne. We are safely inside now. Can I –
(HE REMOVES HIS HAND. LAVERNE INSTANTLY SCREAMS.)
HARRY (PUTTING HAND BACK ON HER SHOULDER): I guess that answers that question.
(HARRY GUIDES HER TO A TABLE AND THEY SIT.)
HARRY (CONT’D): Laverne, dear. Here, sit.
(THE TWO MANEUVER SO THEY CAN SIT WITH HIS HAND STILL ON LAVERNE’S SHOULDER.)
HARRY (CONT’D): Laverne, my arm’s getting numb. I’m going to have to switch hands now.
(LAVERNE EMITS A SHORT SQUEAK DURING THE MILLISECOND THAT HARRY’S HAND IS OFF HER SHOULDER.)
HARRY (CONT’D): You’re doing very well.
HARRY: Yeah. You made it out of the house. We walked almost an entire block to this donut shop.
(HE REMOVES HIS HAND TO INDICATE THE DONUT SHOP.)
(HE QUICKLY REPLACES HIS HAND.)
HARRY: I’m not saying there isn’t room for improvement.
LAVERNE: I have made amazing progress. I think I’ll be able to go back to work tomorrow.
HARRY: Laverne, that’s wonderful.
LAVERNE: Just make sure you’re outside my door at seven-fifteen, at which point your hand will dock on my shoulder. We’ll take your car. You’ll steer, I’ll shift. You’ll pick the radio station, I’ll control the volume. And when we get to the office, let’s just pray that neither of us have to go to the bathroom.
HARRY: While I appreciate the detail in which you’ve worked this out, I think you’d have to agree that this is completely insane.
LAVERNE: All right. I’ll adjust the stations and the volume.
HARRY: That’s not what I’m talking about, Laverne. We have bigger problems than that.
LAVERNE: Well, there is another alternative.
HARRY: I can’t believe I’m asking, but what?
LAVERNE: I’ll just stay at home forever. Have my groceries and other essentials delivered, and start a mail order business selling homemade quilts.
HARRY: Laverne, I really don’t think that’s the answer to -(SUDDENLY INTERESTED) Homemade quilts? You know, it’s funny you should say that, because I’ve wanted a nice quilt for a long time now. But I hate bothering with those stores.
CUSTOMER: Excuse me, but did you say you’re selling mail order quilts?
LAVERNE: Yes sir.
CUSTOMER: That is an incredibly good idea.
HARRY: Okay, Laverne. I’ll give you that the quilt thing might fly, but you’re still running away. You’ve got to get back to living your life.
LAVERNE: I don’t know how I’d do that, Doctor. I can’t imagine going out into that big scary world and doing any of those things I used to do.
HARRY: I know it seems insurmountable now, but you do it one step at a time. As each thing comes up, you’ll find a way to deal with it. We can start right now. We’re here, we’re hungry. Why don’t you get us a couple of donuts?
LAVERNE (POINTING TO COUNTER): You mean all the way over there. Those donuts look a million miles away.
HARRY: Come on, Laverne, you can do it. You’re brave, you’re a fighter, and you’re a winner!
LAVERNE: You think?
HARRY: I know. Laverne, I’m taking my hand away now.
LAVERNE: Oh, Lordy. Oh, my, my, my.
HARRY: Now stand up, Laverne.
LAVERNE: I don’t know if I can. My knees feel real wobbly.
HARRY: You can do it, Laverne. I know you can.
LAVERNE: Look, I’m up.
HARRY: Yes you are. Now one step at a time.
(LAVERNE VERY SLOWLY TAKES TINY STEPS TOWARDS THE COUNTER. IT’S AS DIFFICULT AND FRIGHTENING AS CLIMBING MT. EVEREST. SHE TAKES ANOTHER STEP, THEN LOOKS BACK AT HARRY NERVOUSLY.)
HARRY (CONT’D): Keep going, Laverne. You can do it.
(LAVERNE STEELS HERSELF AND CONTINUES FORWARD.)
CUSTOMER: What’s going on with the quilt lady?
HARRY: She was robbed recently, and she’s having trouble getting over it.
CUSTOMER: I know what that feels like, I was robbed myself.
HARRY: Go on, Laverne. You can make it to the counter.
CUSTOMER: Yeah, lady!! Go!! (TO NEARBY CUSTOMERS:) She just got robbed. (THEY ALL NOD. THEY’VE BEEN ROBBED, TOO) She’s trying to get up her courage to buy a donut.
(THEY ALL NOD AGAIN)
HARRY: Go, Laverne, go.
(THE CROWD CHEERS HER ON.)
CROWD (IN UNISON): Go! Go! Go!
(LAVERNE, SPURRED ON BY THEIR ENCOURAGEMENT, MAKES HER WAY TO THE COUNTER. THE CROWD IS NOW HUSHED, ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS.)
LAVERNE (FILLED WITH EMOTION, POINTING): Two donuts, please.
ATTENDANT: That will be seventy-nine cents.
(LAVERNE PUTS A BILL ON THE COUNTER. THE ATTENDANT HANDS HER THE DONUTS. WITH A DONUT IN EACH HAND, SHE TURNS TO THE CROWD AND PUMPS HER ARMS TRIUMPHANTLY OVER HER HEAD A COUPLE OF TIMES, A LA ROCKY. THE CROWD GOES WILD. WITH HER HANDS RAISED IN VICTORY, WE:)
END OF ACT TWO