ACT ONE

Scene 1

(FADE IN:)

INT. HARRY’S KITCHEN – MORNING
(Harry, Carol, Barbara, Charley, Dreyfuss)

(HARRY SITS AT THE TABLE, DRINKING COFFEE, READING THE PAPER. DRESSED FOR WORK. DREYFUSS ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM.)

HARRY: Morning, Dreyf. You have a good night? I had kind of a weird dream. I was lecturing before a group of very distinguished physicians, and all I had on was my underwear. I was so embarrassed, I apologized to everyone and then flew out the window. Unfortunately, I hit some turbulence, my shorts blew off, and the next thing I knew Michelle Pfieffer and I were sharing a donut…

(CAROL ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS. DREYFUSS LIES DOWN.)

CAROL: Morning, Daddy.
HARRY: Morning, dear. How was your date last night?
CAROL: Well, he took me out to dinner at a very expensive restaurant, which he felt entitled him to certain liberties.
HARRY: Oh?
CAROL: So we discussed it for awhile, and then I kneed him in the groin.
HARRY: Honey, I’m sorry.
CAROL: Don’t be. It was one of my better dates.

(HARRY REACTS, AS BARBARA ENTERS DOWN THE STAIRS.)

BARBARA: Morning, all.

(HARRY AND CAROL AD LIB ‘MORNING’S)

BARBARA (CONT’D): What’s going on?
HARRY: Your sister was telling me about her date.
BARBARA: Was that the guy doubled up on the lawn?
CAROL: Yes.
BARBARA: He was cute.

(CHARLEY ENTERS.)

CHARLEY (ESPECIALLY UPBEAT): Hello, Westons. Gosh, gee, it’s a beautiful day! The sun is shining, not a cloud in the sky, the whipporwills are –
BARBARA (AHEAD OF HIM): Get lucky last night, Charley?
CHARLEY (IMMEDIATELY): Bingo! It’s true what they say about Swedish babes: they love when you write dirty words on their bodies in aerosol cheese.
HARRY: Charley, no one has ever said that about Swedish women.
CHARLEY: Really? Hmm. You think maybe it was one of those party tips on the side of the can? (THEN) Anyway, that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to wish you folks a happy anniversary.
HARRY: What anniversary?
CHARLEY: Today is exactly two years since Barbara and Carol moved back in the house.
HARRY: Really, two years?
BARBARA: It sure has gone fast.
CAROL: It sure has.
HARRY: Charley, why would you remember the exact day the girls moved back?
CHARLEY: Several reasons. One: when they moved in, your refrigerator suddenly became worth raiding. Two: young women at the breakfast table, which means there’s always the chance of a loose fitting robe, a dropped fork, a –
HARRY (CUTTING HIM OFF): Out!
CHARLEY: But I didn’t finish telling you my reasons.
HARRY: Out!
CHARLEY: Just as well. I only had the two. Happy anniversary.

(CHARLEY EXITS, AND WE:)

(DISSOLVE TO:)

ACT ONE

Scene 2

INT. NURSES’ STATION – SAME DAY
(Harry, Mrs. Knox, Laverne, Timmy)

(HARRY EXITS THE EXAM ROOM WITH A LITTLE BOY, TIMMY AND HIS MOTHER. TIMMY HAS SEVERAL PIECES OF TOILET PAPER STUCK TO HIS FACE.)

HARRY: Timmy, it’s normal for you to want to be just like your Daddy. But I think you may be rushing this shaving thing.
MRS. KNOX: Timmy, why don’t you wait out there.

(TIMMY EXITS TO WAITING ROOM.)

MRS. KNOX (CONT’D): So, he’s okay, Doctor?
HARRY: Oh, he’s fine, Mrs. Knox. Timmy’s going through what psychologists call ‘identification.’ It’s when a boy idealizes his father and wants to be just like him.
MRS. KNOX: Really?
HARRY: I went through the same thing myself when I was his age. Thought my dad was the greatest thing in the world. It’s a perfectly normal phase that we all grow out of.
MRS. KNOX: That’s a relief. What line of work was your father in?
HARRY: He was a pediatrician.

(NOT TOTALLY REASSURED, MRS. KNOX EXITS. HARRY CROSSES TO NURSES’ STATION.)

HARRY (CONT’D): That one took kind of a right turn on me.
LAVERNE (PRODUCING A BOX): Your cake arrived.
HARRY: Oh great. (HE OPENS THE BOX.) ‘Happy two year anniversary.’ Oh, I like that. This will be a nice surprise for the girls. Thanks for taking care of this, Laverne.
LAVERNE: Oh, and here’s a card.

(SHE HANDS CARD TO HARRY, HE READS IT.)

HARRY: ‘Congratulations on your bar mitzvah.’ What’s this?
LAVERNE: They didn’t have any cards celebrating two adult daughters still living at home.
HARRY: We don’t need a card.
LAVERNE (RE: CARD): Then I’ll take that. Nurse Horowitz’s boy’s about to become a man. I’m having trouble deciding on the most appropriate gift. I don’t know whether to give him a coonskin cap, or to plant a tree in his name in the Moishe Dayan Memorial Forest.
HARRY: Jump ball.

(DISSOLVE TO: )

ACT ONE

Scene 3

INT. HARRY’S KITCHEN – THAT EVENING
(Carol, Barbara, Harry, Dreyfuss)

(CAROL IS ABOUT TO OPEN A CAN OF DOG FOOD FOR DREYFUSS.)

CAROL: Hang on, Dreyfuss. You’ll have your dinner in just a second.

(BUT THEN SHE PUTS THE CAN OPENER DOWN, HER MIND ELSEWHERE.)

CAROL (CONT’D): Two years, Dreyfuss. Two years I’ve been living at home now. How could this have happened? This was supposed to be a transitional move. I was a little lonely, I needed a safe haven. A few months at the most. Just long enough to get my career in order and meet the right man ‘ a professor, or a psychologist, or maybe someone in the arts given to erratic mood swings. Yet here I am, two years later, living in the same house I grew up in. How did things go so wrong? Are there just no good men out there, or is it me? Maybe I’m not really ready for a relationship. Maybe I’m still recovering from the wounds of my marriage. Oh, Dreyfuss, it was so bad ‘ the lies, the cheating. The amazing thing is that I was surprised by it. God knows he gave me enough clues. Like that Freudian slip he made when he said another woman’s name during our wedding vows. But I stayed with him for five years. I’ve never told anyone this before, Dreyfuss, but I knew what he was doing. I always knew. I guess I was just scared of being alone. Having someone ‘ even someone horrible ‘ was better than nothing. I’ve always been afraid of the unknown, of taking risks. That’s the one thing I admire about Barbara ‘ she just plunges ahead, never worrying about the consequences. I like to believe she can do that, not because she’s brave, but because she’s stupid. You know when I think about it, Dreyfuss, I guess that’s what my life boils down to ‘ playing it safe. That must be what I’m still doing in this house ‘ playing it safe.

(BARBARA ENTERS.)

BARBARA: Hi, Carol. What’s going on?
CAROL: Nothing. I’m going to wash up for dinner. Would you mind feeding Dreyfuss?

(DREYFUSS PERKS UP.)

BARBARA: Sure.
CAROL: Thanks.

(CAROL EXITS UPSTAIRS. BARBARA OPENS THE CAN OF DOG FOOD, BUT BEFORE SHE POURS IT IN THE BOWL: )

BARBARA: Dreyfuss, this two year thing is really bothering me.

(DREYFUSS REACTS. THIS IS NOT A GOOD DAY FOR HIM. BARBARA OPENS THE CAN.)

BARBARA (CONT’D): I’ve always thought of myself as real independent, but look at me. I’m twenty-eight years old and still living at home. Course I never would have moved back if it wasn’t for that credit card trouble, which really wasn’t my fault. Those cards are so pretty with the holograms and stuff, it’s easy to forget you’re gonna be billed every month. (CONSIDERS) Boy, a lot of real bad stuff happens once a month. Weird. (THEN) Anyway, I’ve never been good with money ‘ not like Carol. She balances her checkbook to the penny. (BEAT) She makes me sick. (THEN) You know what I love to do to her, Dreyfuss? Late at night, when everyone’s asleep, I go around the house making all the pictures and paintings a little off-center. Not much ‘ just a little. Drives her crazy. (THEN, MAD AT HERSELF.) What is wrong with me, Dreyfuss? Two years I’ve been here. I can imagine myself at sixty, still the same ‘ perky, upbeat, carefree Barbara. (THEN) I’ll tell you a secret, Dreyfuss. I’m not as perky and upbeat and carefree as Daddy and Carol htink I am. I mean I feel sad and lonely and lots of other stuff. But something happens when I walk through that door. It’s like I leave all those feelings outside. I don’t know ‘ it’s sort of like we all have our roles in this family. Daddy’s role is to take care of us and protect us. Carol’s role is to run the house, and be a big nut and always be depressed and have a million problems. And my role is to be perky and upbeat and carefree. I’d like to be able to bring some of those other feelings into the house, but I don’t think they could handle it. Let’s face it, Carol practically sucks the life out of all of us as it is. So I’ve got to be perky and upbeat and carefree. But, I’ll tell you, Dreyfuss, it’s a tough role to play.

(HARRY ENTERS THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR. HE’S GOT A SHOPPING BAG.)

HARRY: Hi, Barbara.
BARBARA: Hi, Daddy.
HARRY: Your sister home?
BARBARA: She’s upstairs.
HARRY: Why don’t you get her and come back down here.
BARBARA: Okay. (SHE STARTS FOR THE STAIRS, THEN) Oh, would you feed Dreyfuss?
HARRY: Sure.

(BARBARA FUTZES WITH A PICTURE AND EXITS UPSTAIRS.)

HARRY (CONT’D): You haven’t eaten yet? You must be hungry.

(HARRY TAKES THE CAKE AND A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE FROM THE BAG, GETS THREE GLASSES, OPENS THE CHAMPAGNE AND POURS SOME IN THE GLASSES, DURING THE FOLLOWING:)

HARRY (CONT’D): Dreyfuss, isn’t this great? Two years the girls have been here now. Remember when they first moved in? I had a few things to learn about being a father to two adult daughters. I learned that threatening to cut off their allowance doesn’t pack quite the wallop that it once did. And yet strangely enough, ‘Stop that, or no dessert!’ seems to be timeless. Let’s face it, Dreyfuss, I’ve become a pretty good dad.

(THE GIRLS ENTER DOWN THE STAIRS.)

BARBARA (RE: CHAMPAGNE AND CAKE): What’s all this?

(CAROL ALMOST UNCONSCIOUSLY STRAIGHTENS THE PICTURE.)

HARRY: It’s two years since you girls moved back home. I thought a celebration was in order. Okay, a toast…(HARRY RAISES HIS GLASS, THE GIRLS DO THE SAME.) Here’s to two wonderful years with my two wonderful daughters. (THEY CLINK GLASSES AND TAKE A SIP.) Carol, why don’t you say something.
CAROL: Okay…let me think…okay, I’ve got something…(RAISING GLASS.) I’m moving out.
BARBARA: Me too.

(THE GIRLS CLINK GLASSES, AND AS DREYFUSS AND A VERY CONFUSED HARRY REACT, WE:)

(FADE OUT)

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

Scene 1

(FADE IN:)

INT. HARRY’S KITCHEN – MOMENTS LATER
(Harry, Barbara, Carol, Dreyfuss)

(ALL ARE AS THEY WERE.)

HARRY: I don’t get it. I was just toasting ‘two wonderful years with my two wonderful daughters,’ and suddenly you both announce you’re moving out.
BARBARA: That’s right.
CAROL (TO BARBARA): By the way, you’re not moving just because I am?
BARBARA: No. Actually, that almost made me reconsider.
HARRY: I still don’t know what’s going on here. Shouldn’t we talk about this?
CAROL: It’s for the best, Daddy.
BARBARA: Yeah.

(THE GIRLS EXIT UPSTAIRS.)

HARRY: Dreyf, Dreyf. I really need to talk about this one. I know they’re adults, and they should be able to live their lives how they want. I just hate to see them go. I do so like being their Daddy. When Carol comes home from a bad date, I like being here to comfort her, to put my arm around her and tell her it’ll be okay. Or when Barbara’s had a bad day at target practice, I like to give her a hug and tell her, ‘Don’t worry, baby, next time you’ll put one right through his brain.’ Okay, that’s not a great example, but you know what I mean. You see, Dreyfuss, when they were little, I missed out on a lot of this stuff. I was young, I was caught up in my practice, I was working day and night. I didn’t have time to be a real father. Now I do, and I love it, and they’re leaving. (REALIZING.) Oh God, listen to me, Dreyfuss. I’m talking about what’s good for me, not what’s good for them. The last thing I want to do is stand in the way of their happiness…Well, if moving out is what they want, I’ll just keep my mouth shut, and act like I couldn’t be happier for them. (THEN) But between us, Dreyf…I’m sure going to miss them.

(AS HARRY FEEDS DREYFUSS, AND THINKS ABOUT THIS, WE:)

(DISSOLVE TO:)

ACT TWO

Scene 2

INT. HARRY’S KITCHEN – ANOTHER MORNING
(Harry, Carol, Barbara, Charley, Dreyfuss)

(HARRY SITS AT THE TABLE. DREYFUSS IS THERE. CAROL COMES DOWN THE STAIRS WITH THE CLASSIFIED SECTION OF THE PAPER.)

HARRY: Morning, baby. You’re up early.
CAROL: I’m off to check out a ‘roommate wanted’ ad.
HARRY: Another one?
CAROL: Yes. But this lady’s ad sounds very promising.

(SHE HANDS PAPER TO HARRY.)

HARRY (READS): ‘Forty-three-year-old, non-smoking, depressive female seeks like-minded roommate to share large, lonely two bedroom apartment with view of cemetery. Gas stove.’
CAROL: What do you think?
HARRY: I think they’re going to want last month’s rent in advance.
CAROL: Bye, Daddy.

(SHE KISSES HIM GOODBYE, AND EXITS, AS BARBARA COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.)

BARBARA: Morning, Daddy.
HARRY: Morning, dear.
BARBARA: Where’s Carol going?
HARRY: She’s looking at apartments again.
BARBARA: I guess I’m pretty lucky to have found one so quickly. But being a policewoman does have its perks.
HARRY: So when is it you can move in?
BARBARA: Well, they got the body out yesterday. Now they just have to dust for prints. Probably this weekend.
HARRY: Sounds great.
BARBARA: It’s a really neat place, Daddy. It’s got a nice patio, and a fireplace. Of course I’ll have to buy a new poker. They kept that as evidence.
HARRY: Half the fun is decorating.
BARBARA: Bye.

(SHE EXITS, CROSSING CHARLEY, AND THEY AD LIB ‘HELLO.’)

CHARLEY: Hi, buddy. I came by because I figure you’re feeling pretty low about Barbara moving out.
HARRY: Carol’s moving, too.
CHARLEY: Always looking for that silver lining, aren’t you?
HARRY: Charley, I’m happy for the girls.
CHARLEY: Well, it’s about time they’re finally moving. And look at the advantages: Once they’re out of the house, you can dance naked.
HARRY: Lovely. I’m going to work now, Charley.
CHARLEY: You mean you’re gonna be out of the house, and I’ll be here all alone?

(STARTS TO UNDO A BUTTON ON HIS CUFF.)

HARRY: Charley!
CHARLEY: What? (THEN) All right.

(HARRY EXITS. CHARLEY CROSSES TO DREYFUSS ON THE LANDING.)

CHARLEY (CONT’D) (TO DREYFUSS): It’s not going to be the same around here without the girls, Dreyfuss. I didn’t want to say anything in front of Harry, because, you know, I’m real sensitive that way. Plus, at his age, there’s always the chance he won’t even notice they’re gone. You know, I think of the Westons as kind of like, well, pieces of furniture. Harry’s like this big, comfortable leather chair. And Barbara’s like one of those fun, modern love seats. And Carol’s like, I don’t know, a big, clunky floor lamp, with one of those broken bulbs that keeps flickering. Now what’s interesting about these (MAKING QUOTE SIGNS WITH HIS FINGERS) ‘pieces of furniture,’ is that when you put them together as a set, somehow they’re really terrific. (REALIZING) Hey, this is crazy sharing my private thoughts with a dog. So help me, if you tell anybody about this. Well, it’s just going to be your word against mine.

(ON DREYFUSS’ REACTION, WE:)

(DISSOLVE TO:)

ACT TWO

Scene 3

INT. NURSES’ STATION – SAME DAY
(Laverne, Harry, Mrs. Knox, Timmy)

(LAVERNE IS THERE. HARRY ENTERS FROM HIS OFFICE.)

LAVERNE: Doctor, Barbara called, said she’d be late tonight. She’s working undercover for vice, posing as someone named Mistress Jaqueline.
HARRY: What else?
LAVERNE: Carol called. She took the apartment, and she moves in Sunday. In her words, ‘the view of the cemetery is to die for.’
HARRY: So both girls will be moving this weekend.

(TIMMY’S MOTHER ENTERS FROM WAITING ROOM.)

HARRY (CONT’D): Hello, Mrs. Knox. How’s Timmy?
MRS. KNOX: I’m not sure.
HARRY: What do you mean?
MRS. KNOX: You know how you said it’s normal for a boy his age to try and be like his father, to ‘identify’ with him?
HARRY: Right.
MRS. KNOX: Well, Timmy’s definitely identifying with his father. It’s just that, well, judge for yourself. (CALLING INTO WAITING ROOM.) Timmy.

(TIMMY ENTERS. HE WEARS A CONSERVATIVE BUSINESS SUIT AND TIE AND CARRIES AN ATTACHE CASE.)

TIMMY (SHAKING HARRY’S HAND): Harry, good to see you again.

(MRS. KNOX GIVES HARRY A LOOK.)

HARRY (INDICATING EXAM ROOM): Timmy, why don’t you and I have a little chat.

(AS HE CROSSES TO EXAM ROOM:)

TIMMY: Good idea. Now then, Doctor, I’d like to talk to you about term life insurance. Let’s face it, at your age these decisions can’t be put off any longer…

(TIMMY AND HARRY ENTER THE EXAM ROOM, AS LAVERNE AND TIMMY’S MOTHER EXCHANGE A LOOK, WE:)

(DISSOLVE TO:)

ACT TWO

Scene 4

INT. HARRY’S LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN – THAT NIGHT
(Harry, Barbara, Charley, Carol, Laverne, Dreyfuss)

(HARRY AND CAROL SIT ON THE COUCH, READING THE PAPER. DREYFUSS IS THERE.)

HARRY: Honey, could you hand me the sports section, please?

(BARBARA ENTERS THE FRONT DOOR, DRESSED AS A DOMINATRIX.)

BARBARA: Hi.
HARRY (AMAZINGLY CALM): Barbara, dear, considering you’re going to be moving out in a couple of days, and you won’t have to put up with your old dad much longer, could I say just one thing?
BARBARA: Sure, Daddy.
HARRY (BLOWING): What the hell are you doing dressed like that?! It’s a disgrace.
CHARLEY (ENTERING THROUGH KITCHEN DOOR): I don’t know. I like it.
HARRY: Out!
CHARLEY (IMMEDIATELY): Right.

(CHARLEY EXITS.)

BARBARA: Daddy, it’s part of an undercover operation. You know what’s amazing is how many men like being dominated. This one guy actually wanted to pay me money to lick my shoes.
HARRY: Good, honey. Details. That’s what your daddy wants to hear.
BARBARA: I’m going to change.

(BARBARA EXITS UP THE STAIRS.)

CAROL: I’m going to get some boxes from the garage, so I can start packing.

(CAROL EXITS THROUGH KITCHEN DOOR.)

HARRY: Oh, Dreyf, you hear that? She’s going to start packing. My girls are moving out. Well I’m not going to let them. (CATCHING HIMSELF) No, no, it’s what they want. I’ve got to keep my mouth shut.

(CAROL ENTERS)

HARRY (CONT’D): Carol, honey, you okay?
CAROL: I was starting to get the boxes, when I thought about that man who wanted to lick Barbara’s shoes.
HARRY: I know, dear. It’s a very upsetting though.
CAROL: You’re telling me. I can barely get a date, and she’s got men tongue-kissing her footwear.

(CAROL STARTS SOBBING, HARRY COMFORTS HER.)

HARRY: Carol, baby, it’s okay. I’m sure there are plenty of men out there who’d love to lick your shoes. (HARRY EXCHANGES A LOOK WITH DREYFUSS.) Hey, what about that guy the other night? The one you kneed in the groin. He wanted you.
CAROL: You’re right. He did. He wanted to do some terrible things to me.
HARRY: There you go. (THEN) Look, you dry your eyes. I’ll get those boxes for you.

(HE EXITS THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR.)

CAROL: God, he’s wonderful father. I’m going to miss him, Dreyfuss. But I’ve got to leave. It’s time to move on. Though for the life of me, I can’t remember why. (THEN) Oh yes, ‘playing it safe.’ That’s right. It’s time for me to start taking risks. But I don’t know why I can’t take risks while I’m still living at home. Doesn’t it make more sense to do that when you’ve got the support of a loving faily around you? (THEN) But obviously Daddy thinks it’s time for us to leave, or he would have tried to stop us. Wouldn’t he?

(HARRY ENTERS FROM GARAGE WITH BOXES.)

HARRY: Here you go. So, what do you want me to do with these, dear?
CAROL: I don’t know, Daddy. What do you suggest I do with those…moving boxes.

HARRY: Honey, I promised myself I wasn’t going to say anything, but since you asked, I think you should stop packing and…

CAROL (HOPEFUL): Yes?
HARRY: Hire a couple of movers.
CAROL (TEARY): Thanks, Daddy. Great tip.

(SHE EXITS UPSTAIRS, CROSSING BARBARA, WHO COMES DOWNSTAIRS.)

BARBARA: Ooh, Daddy, I could use some boxes, too.
HARRY: Right.

(HARRY EXITS.)

BARBARA: Did you hear the way Daddy yelled at me before? It was so sweet. I like it when he does that. I like when he worries about me, and I think I’d miss that a lot. Dreyfuss, maybe this moving isn’t such a great idea. Maybe this family could handle me not always being perky and upbeat and carefree. I’d like to give it a try. The only problem is it seems Daddy wants us to move. He sure hasn’t tried to talk us out of it. (HOPEFUL) Unless I’m reading him wrong.

(HARRY ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH SOME MORE MOVING BOXES.)

BARBARA (CONT’D): Daddy, can I ask you something?
HARRY (IMMEDIATELY): Movers. Hire movers. Only way to go.

(BARBARA SHRUGS.)

SFX: DOORBELL

(HARRY CROSSES TO THE DOOR. CAROL ENTERS DOWN THE STAIRS. HARRY OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL LAVERNE, WHO HOLDS A BOTTLE OF WINE.)

HARRY (CONT’D): Laverne. Hi.
LAVERNE: Sorry to bother you folks, but I wanted to give you this wine to celebrate your new living arrangements.
HARRY: That’s sweet, Laverne. Thank you.
LAVERNE (HANDING BOTTLE TO HARRY): It’s Manishewitz. I think that Horowitz bar mitzvah’s been kinda playing with my mind.
HARRY: We appreciate it.
LAVERNE: So, a few days from now, you gals’ll both be living in your very own apartments. You must be pretty excited.
CAROL: Oh yes.
BARBARA: Real excited.
LAVERNE (TO HARRY): And you’ll finally have this place to yourself.
HARRY: Righty-o.
LAVERNE (RE: WINE, TO HARRY): Why don’t you open that. I’ll get some glasses.
HARRY: I need the corkscrew.
LAVERNE: No you don’t

(WE GO WITH LAVERNE INTO THE KITCHEN. DREYFUSS FOLLOWS HER INSIDE.)

INT. HARRY’S KITCHEN ‘ CONTINUOUS

(AS SHE GETS GLASSES, AND CLEANS THEM OUT SHE TALKS TO DREYFUSS.)

LAVERNE (CONT’D): Well, if I ever saw three people who didn’t want to leave each other, it’s them. I’m not sure I approve of kids that old still living at home, but I remember how Doctor Weston was before they moved in. And I remember how they were. And there’s no getting around it ‘ they belong together. Course it doesn’t surprise me none that they can’t see the obvious. But what does confound me is that, frankly, Dreyfuss, I thought you had better sense.

(DREYFUSS REACTS, AS LAVERNE EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.)

INT. HARRY’S LIVING ROOM ‘ CONTINUOUS

(LAVERNE PLACES THREE GLASSES ON THE COFFEE TABLE.)

HARRY: Laverne, there are only three glasses.
LAVERNE: I know. I gotta run. Well, L’chaim.

(THEY AD LIB ‘GOODBYE’S AND ‘THANK YOU’S AS SHE EXITS. THEN: )

HARRY: Well, shall we toast?

(HARRY POURS WINE IN THEIR GLASSES, THEN RAISES HIS.)

HARRY (CONT’D): Here’s to my two wonderful daughters, who ‘

(SUDDENLY DREYFUSS ENTERS, BARKING.)

BARBARA: What is it, Dreyf?
CAROL: Daddy, what’s wrong with him?
HARRY: You know how sensitive he is. Maybe he’s upset about the move.
CAROL: I bet you’re right.
BARBARA: That makes sense.
HARRY: Well, he’ll adjust.
CAROL: Why chance it? I’m staying.

(PUTTING GLASS DOWN.)

BARBARA: Me, too.

(PUTTING GLASS DOWN.)

HARRY: What?!
CAROL: Don’t make us go, Daddy.
HARRY: What go, make you? What are you talking about? I hate the thought of you leaving.
BARBARA: You do? Why didn’t you say something?
HARRY: Because I thought you both wanted to move.
CAROL: Not anymore.
BARBARA: We want to stay.
HARRY: Okay, but if you ever put me through anything like this again…no dessert.

(THEY LAUGH AND HUG. WE PAN TO DREYFUSS, AND WE: )

(FADE OUT)

END OF ACT TWO