Laugh along with the Westons as you read through a collection of quotes from the show.
Barbara: I started out with a good system. Every time I got in too deep with one credit card, I got a cash advance from the other to bail me out. Everything was fine until the Visa people got greedy and demanded more than the Mastercard people were willing to give.
Carol: So you paid them?
Barbara: No, I applied for American Express.
Carol: How humiliating. The minute something goes a little wrong moving back into your parents’ house, living in your childhood bedroom, which in case you were concerned, Barbara, has been preserved as a shrine right down the hall.
Barbara: Daddy, I can’t live with you, I’m an adult. And I know you. There would be rules and curfews, and you would listen in on my telephone conversations.
Harry: I never did that!
Barbara: Oh really? So when Joely Moss was explaining the facts of life to me, who was that on the other line screaming, “It’s a lie! It’s a lie!”?
Carol: Everything in your entire life is temporary!
Barbara: Yeah, but only for a little while.
Carol: My biggest fear is that there’s no such thing as PMS, and this is who I really am.
Harry: I would come home and [Libby] would tell me, “Barbara’s got a new guy.” Then a couple nights later, she’d tell me, “Barbara’s got a new guy.” That would last about a week, then she’d tell me, “Barbara’s got a new guy.”
Dorothy: What about Carol?
Harry: Didn’t tell Carol. It depressed her too much.
Carol tries to tell Barbara, who is inexplicably happy after being dumped, that she should be depressed instead.
Carol: Barbara, honey, you’re depressed.
Barbara: No, I’m not.
Carol: Yes, you are, my poor sweet thing. You just don’t know it. Now, tell your sister, is this how you normally react after you’ve been dumped?
Barbara: I don’t know. I’ve never been dumped before.
BLAME IT ON THE MOON
Laverne: Just as well. You don’t wanna get involved with a woman who works with x-rays for a livin.’ One day she’s sweet as punch. Next day, she comes home, she’s 30 feet tall.
THE MORE THINGS CHANGE
Laverne: Wanna hear the latest from the hospital grapevine?
Harry: That Nurse Lasky used to be a man?
Laverne: No this is big! [hesitates…] Nurse Lasky used to be a man? Well that explains the bald spot.
Laverne: Our medical center has been sold to the Greykirk Corporation.
Harry: Really? Who’d you hear that from?
Laverne: It leaked outta Urology.
Charley: The chicks aren’t happenin’ so I thought I’d change the ol’ image.
Barbara: Oh, I get it. So you got a fake mustache. This is like instead of reading or being more courteous right?
Carol: Hi, Charley.
Charley: Aren’t you gonna mention my mustache?
Carol: It’s fake. It’s stupid. Can we move on now?
JUST YOU AND MY KID
After a patient askes Harry to father her child, he talks about his dream of having a son.
Barbara: You should be glad you have daughters! Daughters are cute and sweet, feminine and dainty! Soft little bundles of joy, dammit!
Harry: I can’t help it. Sometimes I wonder if I missed out on something. Not that you girls weren’t terrific.
Carol: No, I understand, Daddy. I still feel bad about the time we went fishing, and I sang “Born Free” and dumped all the live bait overboard.
Laverne: So let me get this straight. This woman gets it in her mind she wants a youngin’ so she tracks down her old baby doctor and says she wants you two to get together to pound the Posturepedic? So, whad’ya say? You two gonna set the quilt to quiverin’?
Harry: No! And Laverne, would you please stop!
Laverne: Well, I’m bein’ delicate. Can’t you see I’m a-usin’ euphemisms here.
THE R.N. WHO CAME TO DINNER
Laverne: Nick and I had a fight during our dinner last night, and I walked out on him.
Harry [steps forward as if to hug her]: Oh Laverne…
Laverne: You better take back those hands, or you’ll have to learn to feed yourself with your feet!
Harry: If you need some place to stay until this blows over, stay with us.
Laverne: I don’t know. The exam room sure is closer to where I work.
Harry: This could be fun. We could carpool.
Laverne: Good idea! I hit the road at a quarter o’ six.
Harry: Perfect! Circle the block until 7:30, then pick me up.
Carol: This is disgusting. For the past two days, Nick has been pouring his heart out. Flowers, candy, singing telegrams. Last night he hit three homeruns for her and then recited Elizabeth Barrett Browning on the post-game show. My God, if she doesn’t go back to him soon…I will.
Barbara: Daddy, Laverne has got to go!
Barbara: I should’ve never told her I play softball. Now she’s acting like some crazed manager. She kept me up all night practicing fundamentals.
Harry: Well, honey, she’s going through a very difficult time.
Barbara: That’s easy for you to say. You didn’t spend half the night hook sliding into the dinette set.
IT HAPPENED TWO NIGHTS, FOUR COSTUME CHANGES
Carol objects to killing a mouse in the Westons’ house, but once she sees it she screams, grabs a broom, and nearly beats it to death…
Carol: Well, Daddy, if you do see the mouse, remember: try to shoo him out the door without traumatizing him, because every living creature has a….AAGGHHH!!!! DIE!! DIE!! DIE!!….Oh my god, I’ve taken a life.
Barbara: What’s going on?
Carol: I’ve killed Mickey.
Barbara: Good! That’ll teach him to run through the…[sees the dying mouse] Oohh, the poor little thing! I didn’t know he’d be so cute.
Carol: Look, Barbara, he’s moving. Call 911!
Barbara: Carol that’s crazy…they’ll never get here in time! We’ll take him to the animal hospital. I’ll drive, you stick your head out the window and make siren noises.
Carol: Daddy, we want to talk to you.
Harry: About what?
Barbara: Yeah, you know, the cute little mouse that Carol bashed over the head with the broom.
Carol: I didn’t bash him Barbara. And, if you don’t mind, I feel bad enough about this. I just thank God the skull x-ray turned out negative.
Harry: Hold it…you had skull x-rays done on a mouse?
Carol: That’s what we wanted to talk to you about, Daddy. They’re sending you the bill.
EVERYTHING BUT LOVE
Laverne: Hey, ya know how they say everything happens in 3s? Not only is your niece arrivin,’ but my best friend Lurlene is a-comin’ to town.
Harry: Oh, how great! Laverne, that’s only two things.
Laverne: If you gonna nit-pick I ain’t gonna talk to ya at all!
Carol: Enough with food. Let’s talk about my second obsession.
Carol: Poor Amy. She probably thinks last night was the start of a real relationship. She doesn’t realize that she’s been played for a fool. That she’s been used up and tossed aside. On the other hand, at least she had a date.
Laverne is upset after Lurlene calls her citified.
Laverne: Oh my lord!
Laverne: I just said “Goodbye” instead of “Y’all call back now!”
Laverne: That’s citified! Well, it’s early in the morning. I’m still shook up from this Lurlene thing. Anyone could slip. Used to happen all the time to my grandfather. I mean grandpappy! Oh lordy, listen to me. I sound like William F. Buckley. Next time I watch Norma Rae, I’ll prob’ly start rootin’ for management!
LOVE IS BLIND
Charley: Hey, here’s a surprise! It’s Saturday night, Barbara’s out, and Carol’s home with Daddy.
Harry: Charley, go a little easy here. Carol’s feeling hurt. Both the girls met this man at the same time. He asked Barbara out.
Carol: Daddy, it wasn’t just any man. He was blind.
Charley: Hold it. Let me get this straight. A blind guy turned you down? Does the phrase “hit bottom” mean anything to you?
Barbara: Well, let’s face it, Daddy. When Carol drives down the highway of men, she always gets off at the idiot exit.
Barbara goes undercover at a high school and gets a little help with her algebra homework.
Darrell: I’m pretty good at algebra. Could you use some help?
Darrell: Great. Although I must say I was rather intrigued by the point you made when you stood up in class today and yelled, “What the hell is this? Real people don’t need this!”
Harry: Good morning, Laverne.
Laverne: Shh, I’m a-readin.’
Laverne: Don’t ya wanna know what it is?
Harry: Okay, what is it?
Laverne: Nosey, ain’t ya?
After looking through a family photo album, Laverne is convinced that she’s destined to become fat.
Harry: Laverne, I have never known you to eat like this.
Laverne: Well, if it’s my destiny to become jumbo size, I’m not gonna fight it anymore.
Harry: Laverne, you can’t let looking through some picture album change your whole life.
Laverne: No, no! If I’m gonna live in Fat City, I might as well be the mayor.
Harry: This does not have to happen. Laverne, you’re making it happen.
Laverne: Leave me alone! Sorry. Obviously this fat thing comes easy enough. It’s the jolly thing gonna take a little bit o’ work.
Laverne: Some lunch. Sure they say ‘all you can eat’ but after you’ve had three or four servings of steak and shrimp, they start slowin’ down them plates.
Harry: Laverne, we have to talk.
Laverne: Save your breath. I’m gonna face my destiny with my head held high and a hand full o’ Ding Dongs clutched to my soon-to-be-ample bosom!
THE BOY NEXT DOOR
Carol: Stanley is the third man in a row to dump me. And I mean DUMP. There’s a stiff fine now for leaving me by the roadside.
SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME
Laverne: Mrs. Bedlow called with an emergency. Little Jenny had a terrible fall.
Harry: Well, come on. We oughtta get her in here.
Laverne: Not necessary. She put peroxide and a Band-Aid on her knee. Everything’s all right.
Harry: Well, that’s good.
Laverne: Not really. She called back again. She thinks Jenny may have drunk some of that peroxide.
Harry: Well, that’s very serious! Come on, rush her in here!
Laverne: Well, no need to. Turns out it was lemonade. Everything’ll be fine.
Harry: Laverne, why are you telling me all this?
Laverne: I want you to know the kind of emotional roller coaster I ride ever’day!
Charley: You know, Laverne, we never really had the chance to chat, to get to know each other.
Charley: So…hail from Dixie, ay?
Charley: I hear that old times there are not forgotten.
Laverne: And I’m gonna look away now.
Carol: Good evening, Charley. Good luck on your operation tomorrow. Hope you don’t die.
Carol: What? You told me to say something nice. As it was, I lied.
Harry: Laverne, have you cleared the schedule for Charley’s operation?
Laverne: What are ya sayin’? That I’m standin’ here readin’ the paper, shirkin’ my duties? Not fulfillin’ my job description? Well, I quit.
Harry: Laverne, I wasn’t suggesting…
Laverne: Okay, stop your grovelin,’ I’ll stay.
Harry: Laverne, will you watch things here please?
Laverne: What’s the implication? That I wouldn’t normally? That while the cat’s away the mouse will play? Well, I quit. All right, I’ll stay.
Charley brings the Westons gifts upon returning from his hospital stay.
Harry: Oooh, a plastic pitcher from the hospital.
Charley: You’re going to want to wash that. Barbara…
Barbara: Awww, another plastic pitcher from the hospital.
Charley: That one you’re going to want to boil. Carol…
Carol: Oh, Charley, what unusual earrings. Thank you.
Charley: They’re my tonsils. I had them bronzed!
Carol: Oh my God, Daddy!
Harry: Charley, get out!
HARRY KNOWS BEST
Carol: You know, we really should have another portrait made. Something that shows how close we are as a family, how much we all love each other.
Harry: Well, honey, what about your sister, Emily? She can’t get away from school.
Carol: To hell with Emily. Not here, not in it!
Laverne: Doctor, pick a number between 1 and 50.
Harry: Okay, 50.
Laverne [into phone]: Doctor says take 50 teaspoons, 50 times a day.
Laverne: I’m just kiddin.’ It’s Lurlene a-shoppin’ for lottery numbers.
Harry: Girls, I need a little help. I got a tough one on my hands.
Carol: Daddy, now’s not a good time. I’m very preoccupied with all the arrangements for our family portrait.
Harry: It’s about plastic surgery.
Carol: Oh, really?
Harry: Yes, one of my patients. She’s 15 years old, bright, very attractive and for some reason has her mind set on getting a nose job. She wants me to recommend a plastic surgeon.
Carol: Oh, Daddy, do you know a good one? Because I would love to get my butt done.
Harry: Carol, what are you talking about?
Carol: I’m talking about picking the damn thing up off the floor.
Harry: Carol, you have a lovely….don’t make me say this! Barbara, tell her please. Barbara?
Barbara: Daddy, what do you think I’d look like with Carly Simon’s lips?
Harry: You’d like fine, dear. She’d look a little weird.
Barbara: Charley, what do you think of plastic surgery?
Charley: Well, if you’re talking about women, I will always vote “yes” on proposition big ones.
Carol: Charley, will you never grow up? Come on, Barbara. I’ll pull your lips out, you hold my butt up, and we’ll go see how we look.
Carol: Nice outfit, Charley. Where’d you get it, the Big and Tall Moron’s Shop?
WHENEVER I FEEL AFRAID
Laverne: I lost my purse. I’m making a list of the contents.
Harry: Oh, I’m sorry, dear. When was the last time you saw it?
Laverne: I guess when that guy was a-runnin’ away with it!
Harry: Whoa, Laverne, wait. Somebody mugged you? Are you okay? What did the police say?
Laverne: Well, it wouldn’t make no sense to call them ’til I’ve compiled this list of the contents of my purse. I already had a list, but, foolishly, I kept it in my purse.
Officer Hitner: Okay, Mrs. Todd, if you could just describe what happened to you last night.
Laverne: A man took my purse.
Officer Hitner: And…?
Officer Hitner Yes…?
Officer Hitner: Anything else?
Laverne: From me. I can keep this up as long as you can.
A FAMILY AFFAIR
Barbara: Carol said we could use her scale to weigh Dreyfuss. Okay, first you get on alone. What does it say?
Charley: I can’t tell. After 115, Carol’s written a bunch of big black letters that say “FAT FAT PIG PIG FAT FAT FAT.”
Laverne: Now face it, when it comes to your daughters, you’re too protective, and you’re always wrong.
Harry: You know, Laverne, if I were in your position, I would agree with my employer a little more often.
Laverne: Wrong again. And that’s exactly the kind of thinkin’ that has held you back from bein’ in my position.
THE DREYFUSS AFFAIR
Harry: She was right to bring him in. I mean, loss of appetite is an important symptom. Come to think of it, Dreyfuss has not been eating very well lately, either. I think I’ll take him in for a check-up. Laverne, you know, it’s amazing how much other people can teach you about yourself.
Laverne: Shew. I gotta write that gem down. Yeah, that’s gonna change a lotta people’s lives!
Harry: I think I’ll take him in right after work. You know, I always say “better safe than sorry.”
Laverne: Better safe than sorry. Lordy, Doctor, we gonna have to get you a long white beard and put you on a mountaintop!
Laverne: Nick, it’s about time! What happened at the game last night?…You took a fastball in the head? Oh, my god. Are you okay?…Oh good. What’s that? You took a fastball in the head? Honey, ya just told me that…Bye-bye…Bye-bye…Hang up ‘a phone now, honey…hang up ‘a phone.
Harry: You’ll stay by the phone in case he calls?
Laverne: I tell ya what, how about I sit on it? That way, if the ringer’s broke, I’ll get it when my butt tingles.
Carol: Dreyfuss must be so frightened spending the night all alone at the vet’s.
Barbara: Poor thing. I bet they have him in one of those little hospital gowns that don’t close in the back.
Laverne: Nick? Oh, you did it, honey! I’m so proud of you! First man in the minors to be hit by a pitch 87 times in one season. Thank god it’s over! Thank god you’re still in one piece! You’re catchin’ the first flight back to Miami? Honey, it was a home game. Don’t do that.
Arthur: Laverne! How’s my favorite nurse? Still Southern?
Laverne: Breaker breaker for a beaver squeezer, you got the wild turkey, gobble gobble come on!
Arthur: Guess so…
HARRY’S GOT A GUN
After being burglarized, the Westons decide to buy guns.
Barbara: I checked upstairs. Nobody’s there. It’s perfectly safe.
Carol: How can you be so sure?
Barbara: I just told you, I checked.
Carol: I’m never going upstairs again.
Barbara: Oh, grow up.
Carol: What if he robs us again? What if he comes back? What are we going to do?
Barbara: Why don’t you just date him, and he’ll never come back.
Laverne: Oh, you got your gun permit. Lemme see, lemme see. Oh, that’s a pretty one.
Carol: Wait ’til you see the shoes I got for it!
Laverne: Did they tell you what to do if there is a perpetrator in the house?
Harry: I know what to do. I call 911.
Laverne: Let’s say the lines are cut.
Harry: Let’s say…I have a cellular phone.
Laverne: Let’s say the batteries are dead.
Harry: Let’s say they’re rechargeable.
Laverne: Let’s say they’re a-comin’ in the door now!
Harry: Let’s say I’m out the window!
Laverne: Let’s say the window’s stuck!
Harry: Let’s say I…fire your ass!
Laverne: Guess this means you don’t wanna go huntin’ with me this weekend.
…OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE
Carol: Oohh, this sounds good!
Barbara: What, they made bitching and whining an Olympic event?
Carol: There it is again, no support! Daddy, Barbara’s not supporting me!
Harry: I know, dear. I believe I am.
Harry: Carol, when we talked this morning, you saw absolutely nothing wrong in it.
Carol: I know, but when I watch you worry I get envious, and I want to worry with you.
Carol: I’ll be in the garage with Patrick. We’re having a party of two to celebrate his first month here.
Harry: Let me know when you have a “going away” party!
Carol: I hate you so much!
Carol: I promised my fellow demonstrators arrests and publicity, and what do you do? Nothing!
Barbara: Hey, I was just trying to help you out. You want to get arrested? Come on, we’ll do it right now.
Carol: Too damn late!
Barbara: I could handcuff you to the bed.
Carol: I’ve got Patrick for that.
Charley: Hey, what’s this I hear about you coming out against bubble wrap? It’s a necessity of life. Personally, I like to wrap women in it and pop my way to the center.
Carol: I thought all your dates came in a plain brown wrapper.
Barbara reads Carol her rights after arresting her at an anti-plastic protest…
Barbara: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney. If you can’t afford an attorney…you can borrow the money from Daddy.
CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT
Charley: Hey, Tex.
Laverne: I happen to be from Arkansas.
Charley: Yeah, like there’s a difference.
Patrick: Carol, it’s 1 a.m. I thought you were gonna, you know…come out to the garage.
Carol: I’m sorry, Patrick, I’ve lost all interest in sex. My libido is a shriveled, dried-up shell of its former self.
Patrick: Let’s give it a try anyway!
Patrick: You gotta do something to pull yourself outta this.
Carol: Patrick, do you know what it’s like to send a man to jail? To stand up and say “We the jury find the defendant guilty! Guilty! Guilty!”?
Patrick: Well, maybe you shouldn’t have said it that many times.
Patrick: Carol, the guy was guilty. He deserved to be sent to the slammer.
Carol: Slammer? Patrick, please. My mind is already filled with horrific images of where I sent this man. Do you have to use such graphic language…slammer?
Patrick: Sorry. Let’s call it…The Sugarplum Palace!
Laverne tries to explain to Harry that she had a sex dream about Charley.
Laverne: It’s someone you know very well.
Harry: Oh my god, it’s me, isn’t it?
Laverne: I said it was a sex dream! And thanks for conjuring up such a lovely visual image right after breakfast.
Carol: Just out of curiosity, though, what did you do to get here?
Jake: I ate too much.
Carol: Well, that hardly sounds like a crime. What did you eat?
Jake: A family of six in Wisconsin.
THE BODY BEAUTIFUL
Harry: Inspector Lopez needs a fire safety coordinator for our floor.
Laverne: Really? You want me to be fire safety coordinator?
Harry: Yeah, well, I thought…
Laverne: What will my powers be?
Lopez: Your powers?
Laverne: Yes, my powers.
Lopez: Your duties will be to keep people aware of fire procedures, conduct fire drills, and you’ll be in charge in the event of an actual fire.
Laverne: I’ll be in charge?
Lopez: If you got the stomach for it.
Laverne: Try me.
Lopez: You ever witnessed someone burned beyond recognition? The stench of charred flesh fills your nostrils!
Laverne: D’you ever see a man’s toes chopped off by a McCormick reaper and th’owed in a pile o’ corn?!
Lopez: Ever seen a man leap from a towering inferno and go splat on the pavement?!
Laverne: Okay, d’you ever see a cow turned inside-out?!
Harry: Please! It’s a draw! I think Laverne’s your person.
Lopez: Ever see a man’s head after it’s been split open to the brain by a bolt of lightening?
Laverne: Okay, d’you ever see a pig rip th’ough a man’s guts to get to a couple turnips?
Lopez: …Are you married?
Harry: Hi, Charley. How’d your date go?
Charley: She stood me up.
Harry: Aww, too bad.
Charley: Standing up, laying down…doesn’t really matter.
Patrick: Carol, she is an art critic. I’m an artist. It was work. If I were Tommy Lasorda, would you be mad at me for talking to Oral Hershiser?
Carol: You know, it’s just like you to use an analogy that I don’t understand.
Harry: It’s difficult, but I learned a long time ago, you can’t put your expectations on your children.
Carol [running down stairs]: Daddy, since you think I’m so fat…I’ve decided to never eat again!
Carol: Daddy, I’ve just come from my support group Adult Children of Perfectly Fine Parents, and the most exciting thing…
Harry: Wait, there’s a support group for people who have perfectly fine parents?
Carol: Well, yes. We bear a terrible burden. Imagine being this screwed up with no one but yourself to blame.
Carol tries to persuade Harry to appear with her and Patrick on Geraldo.
Carol: Our show would be about adult children who live with their lovers under their parents’ roof.
Harry: You want me to admit that on national television?
Carol: I’ve discussed it with my therapist, and Sandy and I feel that it might be very helpful for us to air our father-daughter conflicts on national television.
Harry: What father-daughter conflicts?
Carol: Well, for instance, the fact that you won’t appear with me on Geraldo!
Charley: She’s got you there, Harry!
Harry: I’m not going to get involved in some hyped-up, tabloid smear job.
Carol: Daddy, we’re talking about Geraldo, the dashing young maverick journalist who bravely exposed the horrendous conditions at the world’s largest mental institution.
Charley: So he’s the one who set you free!
Harry: How’s school?
Larry: A living hell! Doctor, do you know how awful it is to be the shortest kid in the second grade?
Harry: But, you’re a fifth grader.
Larry: My point exactly!
Laverne: Knock, knock.
Geraldo: Who’s there?
Laverne: Nobody…I’m Al Capone’s vault!
Emily: Do you know what it’s like to spend four years at an all-girls school? I mean, if I see one more k.d. lang concert, I’m gonna barf.
Emily: Hi, I’m Emily.
Patrick: Patrick. I live in the garage.
Emily: Oh, you poor thing!
Carol: Patrick’s my boyfriend, Emily.
Emily: You poor thing. He’s cute.
Carol: No, he’s not. He’s old and broke.
Patrick: Thank you.
Carol: Say, I just thought of something. What if just us kids went out tonight to a fun, exciting new place I know, hmm?
Emily: Oh, no. The last time you said that, I was dragged to a coffee house to hear this bald lady recite a poem called Inverted Nipple.
Harry: It is four o’clock in the morning. You’re just getting home now? Where is Emily?
Carol: We’re not sure.
Patrick: We lost her at the gay bar.
Harry: Gay bar?
Carol: Emily heard about some party there. We didn’t know it was a gay bar until Patrick realized the hand in his rear pocket wasn’t mine.
Patrick: It was so gentle!
Carol: Now excuse me while I go upstairs and spend the rest of my life adopting hundreds of stray cats and watching my breasts drop.
Emily: Okay, see ya later!
Harry: Just wait a minute, young lady. I think you need to talk to your sister.
Emily: But, Dad, she’s scary!
TWO FOR THE ROAD
Carol: Poor Emily. It’s the first time she’s ever been dumped. Welcome to my world, Princess!
Patrick: Where are we?
Emily: I think we just left New Jersey.
Patrick: Yeah, I don’t smell anything.
Patrick: You want to hear “unreasonable”? The other night, I’m working at my potter’s wheel. Carol comes in, and she wants to play that famous scene from Ghost. She wants to be romantic. I just want to finish my work.
Emily: So what’d you do?
Patrick: Well, let me put it this way: I’m still picking clay out of my underwear.
Carol: What did Patrick say?
Charley: He just wanted to make sure you knew he called.
Carol: That’s odd. He knows I go to therapy every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday at this time.
Emily: Patrick, there’s a big cockroach in here!
Patrick: I suppose you want me to come in there and kill it for you.
Emily: No, I thought maybe you could take it for a drive, and after half an hour of listening to you, it’ll kill itself.
Emily: If you’re tired, I could drive.
Patrick: That’s open to debate.
Emily: It’d be safer if I drove.
Patrick: I’d feel safer driving through Harlem with Marge Schott.
Harry: Honey, why do you always do this to yourself?
Carol: Do what?
Harry: Let your imagination torture you and drive you crazy. I remember when your mother went into labor with Barbara. You were hysterical because you were convinced that when Barbara came out, we were going to put you back in.
Patrolman: Speed limit’s 65, boy.
Patrick: How fast was I goin’?
Patrolman: 67! What’s the hurry?
Patrick: No hurry, Officer.
Patrolman: So you’re speedin’ through my neck o’ the woods just for the hell of it?
Patrick: No, I didn’t realize I…
Patrolman: If I want any crap outta you, I’ll squeeze your head!
MOM’S THE WORD
Laverne: Doctor, have you figured out how you’re gonna get Carol to my house for the baby shower?
Harry: Yeah, I told her we were going to pick you up for a movie.
Laverne: No good.
Harry: Why not?
Laverne: ‘Cause she’ll ask what movie.
Harry: She already did. I told her she could pick the movie.
Laverne: Supposin’ she don’t pick one playin’ in my neighborhood?
Harry: Then you can pick the movie.
Laverne: Supposin’ I don’t pick one playin’ in my neighborhood?
Harry: Why would you do that?
Laverne: ‘Cause I have a better plan. Now, you two will be drivin’ through my neighborhood on the way to the mall to pick up your tuxedo for the hospital fundraiser.
Harry: What hospital fundraiser?
Laverne: Oh, for Pete’s sake, there ain’t no fundraiser. We’re spinnin’ a yarn!
Harry: I see. Go on.
Laverne: So then you’ll get a couple blocks from my house, and you’ll pretend your car breaks down. But luckily you’re near my house so you can come on in and use my phone to call for help.
Harry: I have a car phone.
Laverne: Say it’s broken.
Harry: Say we’re near a pay phone.
Laverne: Say it’s out of order.
Harry: Say a cop drives by.
Laverne: Say he’s off-duty.
Harry: …Say I fire your ass.
Maxine, who has a fear of public speaking, backs out of giving a fundraising speech.
Harry: You promised to do this.
Maxine: Oh, Harry, I thought I could, but I can’t. I mean, I’m great one on one, but get me in front of a group of people and I freeze.
Harry: Come on, sweetheart, we all get a little nervous.
Maxine: A little? First my mouth dries up. Then my neck starts to sweat, and it runs down between my shoulder blades, and I end up with a rusty bra hook.
Laverne: I used to go out with a boy named Rusty Brahook!
Laverne: I’m doin’ this ’cause I care about you, Doctor. This is what ya call tough love.
Maxine [making a fist]: And this is what you call a knuckle sandwich.
Laverne: I had stage fright once, couldn’t get a word out. Remember that, Doctor?
Harry: March 4, 1991. It was the happiest day of my life.
Carol [feeding Dreyfuss]: Gee, it’s been a long time since I had a guy eating out of my hand. Although I have dated a few who drank out of the toilet.
Maxine: I know the clinic needs the money, but I just can’t do it.
Laverne: Dr. Douglas, you have to do it, or you’d never be able to look yourself in the eye.
Maxine: Oh, how often do you really have to look yourself in the eye?
Laverne: Hey, how’d your speech go?
Maxine: I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life.
Carol: What happened?
Maxine: Well, I got off-track thinking about Harry. I started talking about him being lost at sea, and I got all choked up. Then they started feeling sorry for me.
Laverne: Yeah, and…?
Maxine: That’s when I really poured it on! I haven’t blubbered that much since I heard Steven Spielberg was gonna direct The Color Purple!
HALF THAT JAZZ
Laverne: Don’t blame me.
Maxine: Oh, that’s the last time I let you drive.
Laverne: My drivin’ had nothin’ to do with it. You spilled that soda while I was a-skillfully navigatin’ a road hazard.
Maxine: We were airborne!
Laverne: Well, it couldn’t be avoided!
Maxine: Laverne, the sign said DIP. Did you think the city of Miami was suggesting we dance?
LOVE A LA MODE
Charley: Hey, Westons, I got great news, and here’s a little hint: Ding dong! Ding dong!
Carol: You made it with the Avon lady?
Charley: What do you mean no bachelor party? Then why get married?
Harry: Look, Charley, I can ask Carol to put together a quiet little engagement party, the kind of thing you can invite your parents to.
Charley: Sounds great. But Mom and Dad haven’t been getting along lately. It’s almost as if they don’t like each other anymore.
Harry: Charley, they got divorced.
Charley: Yeah. That just made it worse. Hey, I wonder who got custody of me.
Harry: I did!
Laverne: Doctor, my birthday is the 15th, too!
Maxine [shrugs]: How ’bout that.
Laverne: This explains why you and me are so much alike. Why, we’re practically twins.
Maxine: Yeah…patients often tell me, “You know, you bear an uncanny resemblance to that skinny, white nurse!”
WHAT’S A MOTHER TO DO?
Harry: Morning, sweetheart.
Carol: Is it morning? I know it’s not night, because if it were night, Scotty would be awake.
Harry: The baby had a rough night, huh?
Carol: No, the baby had a perfectly lovely night: three meals, five mile walk around the living room, brief nap at 4 a.m. It’s good to be the baby.
Sophia: Here, I’m returning Harry’s chainsaw. It’s out of gas and a couple teeth are missing…just like me.
Carol: Sophia, what are you doing with a chainsaw?
Sophia: It was lumberjack night at Shady Pines.
Carol: Lumberjack night?
Sophia: Yeah, but things got a little out of hand. Shady Pines isn’t quite as shady as it used to be.
Carol: Daddy, would you hold Scotty?
Carol: Good, now can you raise him? I’m the worst mother in the whole world!
Charley: Boy, I bet my mom will be glad to lose that title.
DIARY OF A MAD HOUSEWIFE
Harry: How are you feeling today?
Carol: I have blurry vision, dry mouth, nausea, excessive bloating and a frequent need to urinate. Guess what that means!
Sophia: You knocked back a case of beer last night?
Carol: According to my book, I’m having the perfect pregnancy. I’ve had 19 symptoms so far. Ooohh…make that 20! My nipples are sore!
Sophia: I gotta get back to the home. We’re having a safe-sex seminar.
Harry: Safe sex? Well, you know, you’re never too old to be safe.
Sophia: Yeah, right. At my age, safe sex means asking the nurse to put up the sides of the bed.
Carol: Sophia, what was it like when you were pregnant?
Sophia: Oh, things were different when I was pregnant. For one thing, I was married. But without my father’s blessing, so when I got pregnant he put a curse on me.
Carol: You’re kidding. What kind of a curse?
Sophia: I’m a nymphomaniac.
Sophia: What’s this?
Carol: Wow, it’s my mother’s diary.
Sophia: Are you going to read it?
Carol: Oh, Sophia, please! It contains her most personal thoughts and feelings.
Sophia: I know. Let me have it when you’re finished.
Sophia: I gotta go. It’s Mrs. Finegold’s 96th birthday party. It’s gonna be great! First, we all jump out and yell “Surprise!” Then we draw straws to see who gets her room.
Charley: When I die, nobody will care.
Harry: Charley, that’s not true.
Carol: Of course it’s not.
Charley: Oh sure, like you’re going to miss me.
Carol: Charley, just because we’ve had a difficult relationship in the past doesn’t mean that…Daddy won’t miss you. Right, Daddy?
Carol: And Sophia will miss you, won’t you, Sophia?
Sophia: Yeah, yeah, pass the ketchup.
Carol: Come on now, Sophia. You’d remember Charley if he died.
Sophia: Are you kidding? I can’t even remember why I needed the ketchup.
JUST FOR LAUGHS
Maxine: I don’t know why I always let you drive. That’s the fastest I’ve ever ridden in a car.
Laverne: Oh now, Doctor, it wasn’t that fast.
Maxine: Laverne, it is now 8 o’clock. We left my house at 10 after 8. We went back in time!
THE WOMAN WHO CAME TO DITHER
Harry and Maxine must hire a temp nurse while Laverne is in Hickory testifying in court.
Harry: Did she say when she’s coming back?
Maxine: She hasn’t even testified yet. It seems there’s been a delay. Apparently, they needed the judge’s robe for the high school graduation.
Charley: Hey, Harry, how come you never take me bowling?
Harry: I took you once. You knocked yourself out when you stuck your head in the ball return.
Charley: Oh. Maybe that’s why I don’t remember.
Harry: Maxine, why are you typing? Why isn’t Doris doing that?
Maxine: Because she’s weird, Harry. She talks to the computer!
Harry: She gets the job done.
Maxine: Yeah, but she’s weird! Her locker smells like mustard.
Harry: You’re smelling her locker, and she’s weird?
FEELINGS, WHOA WHOA WHOA FEELINGS
Maxine spots Laverne and an old friend, Dr. Matt Kane, reminiscing about Hickory.
Maxine: Uh oh, Hee Haw alert. Turnip truck at 4 o’clock.
Harry: Laverne, I’d let you go, but this afternoon we’re swamped.
Matt: If you’re really swamped how about I strap on some hip boots and wade on in.
Harry: Well, great!
Maxine: I don’t know. Hold on a second. This might not be what you’re used to. If you don’t mind my asking, where exactly did you get your medical training?
Matt: Oh, a little ol’ place called Harvard.
Maxine: Well, hush my mouth and grab a lab coat!
Maxine: All right, knock it off you two. You’re having too much fun.
Laverne: Oh come on, Dr. Douglas, you know how it is with childhood friends.
Maxine: I guess.
Matt: You sayin’ you never had any childhood friends?
Maxine: No, I beat ’em all up.
Laverne: Well, that’s a shame, ’cause you know what they say back in Hickory: A good friend is like a fishin’ pond…
Matt: It’s deeper than ya think…
Laverne: You can always see yourself reflected back…
Matt: Plus on Saturday nights you can get polluted together.
Maxine: Yeah, we have a similar saying back in the Bronx: A good friend is like a fishing pond…good luck finding one ’round here.
REMEMBRANCE OF CLIPS PAST
Dreyfuss eats the cake Carol sets out for Laverne’s going-away party.
Laverne: Ooohhh, looks like someone could use some trainin.’
Sophia: What can I tell you? I smacked her with a newspaper, but she left the cake out anyway.
Laverne is opening her gifts.
Harry: This one is from Sophia.
Laverne: Oh Sophia, you shouldn’t have!
Sophia: That’s what I told Harry, but he made me.
Laverne: Oh y’all, it’s a photo album.
Sophia: It’s filled with memorabilia of all the things we did together.
Laverne: It’s empty.
Sophia: I know. We never did anything together.
Carol tries to get Laverne to stop when she sees her drying dishes.
Carol: Laverne, you’re the guest of honor. You’re not supposed to be cleaning up.
Laverne: It’s my party, and I’ll dry if I want to!
LIFE GOES ON
Sophia: Harry, we can’t go to Laverne’s wedding. None of us.
Harry: Why not?
Sophia: I had a dream. We were all flying to Hickory, and the plane crashed! There were only two survivors.
Sophia: A salesman from Toronto and Madonna.
Harry: Sophia, dear, just because you had a dream doesn’t mean it will happen.
Charley: No, Harry, you’re wrong! This is uncanny. I saw Madonna interviewed on TV this morning.
Charley: Obviously, she did survive!
Scarlett: When Matt sees you all dressed in white comin’ down that long spiral staircase…
Laverne: Mama, we don’t have a long spiral staircase.
Grit: She rented one!
Scarlett: It’s all set up in the backyard.
Maxine: Wow! We’re talkin’ Gone With the Wind City!
Scarlett: That’s where we got it!
Carol: Daddy! Daddy, oh my god, Daddy! Daddy, I have news. I have big news. The biggest news ever. I have dreamed of this moment for so long…I knew how I would tell you…It has to be absolutely perfect! Come here, sit here….no get up. Maybe you should put on a tie!
Harry: Carol, please, slow down! You’re acting like…you’re getting married or something!
Carol: Well, thanks a lot. You ruined my moment.
Sophia: Tell me the truth. Are we lost?
Charley: I’m not sure. I could tell better if I had some idea of where we are.
Sophia: You never should’ve taken that turn-off.
Charley: You told me to.
Sophia: Why’d ya wanna listen to me for? I’ve got such a lousy since of direction, sometimes I think I’m getting younger.
Charley: You were reading the map.
Sophia: I thought I was, but it turns out I was just looking at the veins in my hand.
Sophia: Do you have any idea where you’re going?
Charley: Sure. [Points] That way.
Sophia: Maybe you should let me drive.
Charley: Are you kidding? You can’t even see over the dashboard.
Maxine: Harry, you can’t leave Hickory before you go down to Elmo’s Bait & Tackle!
Maxine: Because if you guess how many nightcrawlers he has in his jar, he’ll let you run over stuff in his monster truck! God, I love this town!
Carol: Okay everybody, it’s bouquet throwing time! Assemble all ye single women!
Sophia [to Maxine…they being the only two single women there]: I guess it’s just you and me, Shaquille.
Barbara: What are you doing with Mr. Fuggety?
Carol: He’s going to my new abode with the rest of my furry confidantes.
Barbara: I don’t think so! He was my present in third grade, remember? To take my mind off those ugly braces.
Carol: You never had braces! I did!
Barbara: I know. They scared the hell out of me.
The entire gang gathers in the living room for pictures at Harry’s going-away party.
Maxine: Are we done yet? Tired of lookin’ happy. It’s not natural.
Charley: If we’re taking more pictures, I’m grabbing another beer.
Harry: No! No, this is absolutely the last picture. I would like to make it to Vermont before the end of the century.
Sophia: I would like to make it to the end of the century.